Faces hide as much as they show.

Life is not easy, no matter what your circumstances. Whether you are born with the heights of riches or into the depths of poverty, life is difficult. For most of us we were born in the in-between, the void between crippling poverty and unimaginable riches, sadly this doesn’t make life any easier for us.

I am no different. I don’t have unimaginable riches but equally I am lucky enough not to be on the other end of the spectrum and for this I am thankful. But this doesn’t make life easy, especially when your own mind tries to destroy you.

Throughout my life I have gained and lost many things. I, like everyone else, have lost loved ones. I’ve gained friends, only to be betrayed by some. I have fallen in love and had my heart shattered. The one thing I have never managed to lose is the one thing that I would sacrifice so much to be rid of; my minds amazing ability to try destroy me, its insatiable need to fuel my depression.

No one point in my life could be considered the start of my battle with depression. But there are several points in my life that have almost marked the end of a battle that often seems unwinnable. I have fought against this affliction for so long that sometimes all I want to do is sleep. A few times I have even tried to be sure that once I slept, that would be it.  While I still have these thoughts occasionally, I am thankful that I was never successful in my attempts.

My depression has cost me many things in life. It has contributed to the decline in my health (both physical and emotional), it was a leading factor in the decline of my education and it has cost me mu social life to a large degree. I have lost many, many things because of this illness and gained very little in return.

 

One of the few things I have gained however is the realization that basing decisions on your emotions is rarely, if ever, a good idea. Without my depression I don’t know when, or even if, I would have learned this lesson. This is one of the few good things to have come from my illness and it is this lesson that is one of the main reasons I am who I am today. When I realized that I couldn’t trust my emotions I actively tried to disregard them when making decisions. This is something I have become quite effective at doing and it is because of this that I am who I am. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t suffered the way I do, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t be capable of making the decisions I do, or forming the rational thoughts and arguments I form.

 

I haven’t written this looking for sympathy or for pity. I haven’t written it as some kind of defense against those who dislike me or disagree with me. I have written this for one simple reason. I’ve written it because I believe those people who seems to genuinely care about me or who respect my opinions on certain things deserve to know why I am the way I am.

 

-Alan

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