A crimson grin.

One by one emotions go numb,
Until all I feel is self loathing,
Temporary comfort found in a crimson grin,
I’m still alive deep within.

The light catches as another grin appears,
Each one is comforting and warm,
All help to alleviate fears,
The numbness lifts momentarily.

The longer they last,
The more I can feel,
Quickly though they become my past,
A moment’s emotion I’ve had to steal.

The more that arrive,
The less helpful they seem,
It’s becoming harder to survive,
All I want is to scream

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Kindness is magic.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

-Mark Twain

 

Throughout the course of life we gain and lose many things. We gain and lose friends and family members, possessions and wealth, even health and happiness come and go. We retain few things from birth to death but one of those things is the ability to be kind. Kindness is one of the greatest treasures man will ever possess. Sharing it costs us nothing and yet may give the recipient hope. A kind word can be the greatest thing you can give someone. A kind gesture can truly save a life.

 

A persons life can be difficult, no matter what how good it may appear to the outside world. Happiness is not something that can be bought. Even people with the best of everything can suffer with mental health issues. Money and possession do not always equate to joy and happiness. Everyone has challenges in their lives, some can cope and others can not. Your standing in society, financially or otherwise, will not always impact this. Mental health issues are serious and should be treated as such, whether the sufferer lives in the depths of poverty or in the height of riches.

 

No matter who you are, or who you are dealing with, a kind word or gesture will cause you no ill effects but it may save a persons life. I know from personal experience, the smallest of kind gestures or what you may consider the most insignificant of kind words can stop a person from making a huge mistake. A warm smile from a stranger or a friendly hello can stop a person from considering suicide. Even just a simple offer to talk can be truly lifesaving.

 

Recently I wrote a blog post to try organise my thoughts while in a very dark place. I’m not fully free of that place but with the help of some amazing people I am slowly but surely escaping it.

 

Cindy was one of the first people who saw and responded to my last post. I owe her a true debt of gratitude for that. She is a wonderful person and it scares me to think what I may have done if not for her help. Thank you Cindy, you are a true friend and I am immensely grateful to know you.

Victoria barely knew me but she was still amazingly quick to offer her help when I needed it. We spoke for hours and she truly helped me get my thoughts and feelings in some kind of order. She is a wonderful person.

Rich W. was very quick to contact me and offer help after seeing my previous blog. We spoke for a while and he really helped me. He is a great guy and a truly wonderful friend.

A.J. is an awesome person. We didn’t get a chance to talk but the simple act of offering help meant the world to me.

Lauren has helped me more than words can express. She is without a doubt one of the most selfless people I have ever met, I am honored to count her among my friends. Her selflessness is eclipsed only by her kindness. I will never understand what I’ve done to deserve a friend like Lauren but I am eternally grateful for her.

Kat is amazing. She is a great friend who never fails to make me laugh. She is a wonderful person who has made it absolutely for me not to smile when talking to her. She is utterly mental, and a friend like is the best person to keep you sane.

Gen is a very intelligent and very kind person. She is never too busy for her friends and her “crazy cat lady” status and actions also make me laugh and smile.

 

I love all these people and I am immensely grateful to have each of them in my life.

I’m struggling to find a reason anymore…

I’ve never found much reason in life to be exceptionally happy. Like everyone else’s my life has been a series of highs and lows. More often lows than highs sadly.

I’ve always had to deal with difficult times, always telling myself “it has to get better”. For as long as I can remember I’ve got through life telling myself that what I was doing would lead to something wonderful, that this was a chance to improve my life. If my current position in life is anything to go on, however, this has all been a lie.

Currently I’m 21. I lack any significant education. I’ve only ever dated one woman, who damaged me so badly it has taken the better part of 4 years for me to be able to look at a woman and consider having romantic feelings for her. I have next to no friends in my real life(and only a few online). I have no job, no qualifications and lack the financial resources to try qualify as anything.
For the first time ever I can look at my life and honestly say I see no reason for it. I have no future to speak of and I add very little to anyone else’s life.

I find myself asking why I should continue in this life and I am unable to actually find a reason.