I’m struggling to find a reason anymore…

I’ve never found much reason in life to be exceptionally happy. Like everyone else’s my life has been a series of highs and lows. More often lows than highs sadly.

I’ve always had to deal with difficult times, always telling myself “it has to get better”. For as long as I can remember I’ve got through life telling myself that what I was doing would lead to something wonderful, that this was a chance to improve my life. If my current position in life is anything to go on, however, this has all been a lie.

Currently I’m 21. I lack any significant education. I’ve only ever dated one woman, who damaged me so badly it has taken the better part of 4 years for me to be able to look at a woman and consider having romantic feelings for her. I have next to no friends in my real life(and only a few online). I have no job, no qualifications and lack the financial resources to try qualify as anything.
For the first time ever I can look at my life and honestly say I see no reason for it. I have no future to speak of and I add very little to anyone else’s life.

I find myself asking why I should continue in this life and I am unable to actually find a reason.

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One response to “I’m struggling to find a reason anymore…

  1. I have been here before, myself. I can offer all the platitudes of “it gets better” and “it’s always darkest before the dawn”, but I know how little that did to help me. At 21, I was depressed, had my heart broken (2 yrs prior but was not yet mended) and my friends had all seemingly moved on with life. I had tried to go to school, but couldn’t afford it. The only difference is, I did have a job. Not a good one, but it was a job. It had no future, though.

    I was, without a doubt, miserable. Both to myself, and to others around me.

    Things changed, as they inevitably do, but I tried my best, in the meantime, to find something to enjoy. Something for me. For me, that was theatre. But it took me a while to find my way back to it after leaving it in my teens. I tried all sorts of sports, singing at a local jam night on a weekly basis, and other engagements. Some solitary, some not. I encourage you to do the same. Whether that is writing, building models, playing darts, football, etc, or going for a run or bike ride with nothing but your thoughts and your favourite music.

    You DO have friends. We may be Twitter friends, but we are friends that you can turn to when needed.

    Life is not easy. It is full of trials and failures and hardships, with seemingly all too few moments of success and joy. But those moments where your smile is unstoppable, your joy is palpable and your mind is free are what make it worthwhile. They make all the crap that has come before nothing more than background noise.

    We live 1 life, and we know there is no “grander meaning” to it, but it is to be valued because it is all too short already. I blinked, and suddenly I was 45. I have my down days still. Days when the darkness closes in. But I have bright days, as well, and I cherish them and store those days, those moments at the forefront of my memory banks, and give myself a way to pull them out – be that a picture, or something I wrote, etc. When I am down, I use them. It’s not a cure-all, but it helps me make it through. It helps me muddle on. It helps me enjoy the all too short lifespan we all have.

    I don’t know if any of this helps you, but I hope it does.

    IF you ever need to talk, just DM me.

    Your friend,

    AJ
    (FormerTheist)

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