Why I’ve been away.

For the past several months I’ve been slipping deeper and deeper in a state of sever depression. This is not a new occurrence for me, it has happened before and sadly it will happen again. No one thing alone has caused this situation, though many factors have contributed to it.

My life has not been, and in fact is not, very fulfilling. I’ve accomplished very little in terms of a professional life, my personal life is thoroughly underwhelming and my social life is virtually non-existent. I have tried to make plans that would allow me to attempt to change this, however it now seems that these plans are untenable. This realisation has added that extra bit of weight that finally pulled my head under the water. I went from being indifferent about life, not really caring whether I lived or died, to actively wishing I was dead. Any prospects I had of making a better life for myself evaporated simply because I don’t have access to the kind of money required for me to make the move to Canada. With this, and everything else weighing on me, I withdrew into myself, rarely getting out of bed in the past 2 weeks or so, let alone leaving the house.

Around Saturday of last week I began to have suicidal thoughts. These thoughts got progressively worse until I couldn’t handle it anymore and was going to kill myself. The only thing that actually stopped me was, when I planned to do it, my younger brother heard me moving around and came to check why as it was very late.

These thoughts still persist, though I am handling them reasonably well again. I was convinced by a friend, a much better friend than I deserve might I add, to get professional help. I saw my doctor on Friday, he’s organising counseling for me and has put me back on antidepressants.

This is why I’ve not been on twitter or posting here and may not be as active as I have been in the past for a while.


2 responses to “Why I’ve been away.

  1. You are not alone. I am so glad you are getting help. Not every antidepressant works for everyone. Please don’t give up. Please don’t give up. Please don’t give up. I am so glad I didn’t, and I wanted to for at least 15 years years. Luckily, I too got help. That was 20 years ago, and, I promise, there are always options you have not yet considered, and life is definitely worth living.

  2. I wondered what was going on, and was worried it might be something like this. I know times have been tough Alan, but try to hang in there. If you need to get out, I may be able to help. DM me when you are feeling up to it and we’ll talk. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

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