I don’t know anymore.

I don’t know how I feel anymore. For weeks now I’ve been spiraling, falling deeper into a very bad state of mind. And really, there’s no reason for it to be happening. It’s almost summer, so this isn’t seasonal. In fact, based on past experience, this should be the most stable time of year for me. I should be in a good place right now, but I’m not. And it makes no sense to me.

I think I’m losing my mind. I find myself laying in my bed at night, on the brink of tears or just straight up crying for hours for no discernable reason at all. I’m shaky, unsettled, slightly paranoid and extremely restless. The only time I’m even close to my usual self is when I’m talking to people, and even at that I’m not me. I’ve become obsessive but unfocused. I become completely engrossed in an idea, then become totally disinterested in what I’m doing after a few minutes. Even simple tasks are becoming harder to complete. Even writing this is a monumental task for me right now. The poems I’ve posted recently have all taken hours, or days in some cases, longer to write than they usually would for me.

I’m sorry, to everyone who worries about me and who has been asking if I’m ok, I’m sorry. Obviously now you can see that I’ve not been entirely truthful. I didn’t want anyone worrying about me.

I haven’t even decided if I’m going to post this, but if I do…well I don’t know, just try not to worry about me. I’ve lost my mind before, and I found it again. I’ll be fine.

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3 responses to “I don’t know anymore.

  1. Almost word for word I could have written that. It doesn’t always help for me but… it may help for you to know that you’re not alone. Just keep going, you may have to fake it for a while (I’ve found not for myself but for the sake of others), but like you said you’ll find yourself again.

    I know you don’t know me, but much love from someone who’s been there ❤

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